I Think My Dog is a Democrat

When it comes to conservative advice, one is best served by turning to the classics. The writings of the Founding Fathers. The Bible. Dilbert. But in a pinch, Patriot News Daily is always happy to help out.

Dear Patriot News Daily,

I came home from work yesterday to find my dog sitting calmly in front of the television, watching Hillary Clinton on CSpan. That wouldn’t have been so strange on its own – I leave it on when I’m gone so he’ll sleep during the day – but there have been other troublesome things. I caught him pawing at my laptop the other day. When I got it away from him, I noticed he had DailyKos up on the screen. I’ve never gone to that website in my life. I know this is weird, but I think my dog might be a Democrat. Help?

Troubled in Tuscson

Dear Troubled,

Your concerns are well founded, but not for the reasons you think. Almost ALL dogs are Democrats. Lovable, dumb little liberals. All heart and no brains. If that doesn’t describe a dog, what does?

Think about it. Dogs are freeloaders, begging relentlessly for any scraps you might happen to drop their way. Remind you of anyone? They will believe literally anything you say, no matter how many times you trick them. They have no sense of history; a dog is always in the perpetual present, and can always be convinced that the newest toy is the best toy. Left to their own devices, they will get exceedingly dirty – all the more amazing for the fact that they don’t actually do any work. Next time you come home to that panting, gleeful, empty-headed grin, think back to the crowds that greeted Barack Obama in 2008. If a few of those faces had belonged not to people but rather, say, golden retrievers…would you have even noticed?

So yeah, your dog is a Democrat. But don’t worry. We’ve got at least five or ten years before the left starts making a serious effort to let dogs vote. The bad news? They’ll probably manage to get it done. You might want to replace CSpan with some old videos of Ronald Reagan, just in case.


Dear Patriot News Daily,

I was arguing with a coworker the other day about whether or not homosexuality is a choice. She asked me when I decided to be straight, and I have to admit that it stopped me in my tracks. What do you think?

Choiceless in Cleveland

Dear Choiceless,

It’s a fine point, but it does make you wonder…when do we choose to get into no-win arguments with liberals? Have you ever walked away from such an encounter thinking, you know, that was a damn fine use of my time? The admonition against broaching subjects like religion and politics is not just for the betterment of polite society; it’s for your own continued sanity!

As to the question – does anyone ever really choose to become a left-wing idiot? An enormous gulf of possibilities lies between “born that way” and “made a conscious choice.” Something to think about…but probably not something to argue with your coworker about. Save your sanity.


Dear Patriot News Daily,

I decided yesterday that I would try being a liberal for a day. I woke up, quit my job, applied for welfare, watched three hours of MSNBC, and now I’m bored. It’s only noon, and I’m out of ideas. Any suggestions for how I should finish out the day?

Bored in Birmingham

Dear Bored,

Now you know why the left is in such a hurry to legalize weed!


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