Here’s How to Become a Liberal in 2015

Maybe you’ve decided you want to fit in better with the kids at school. Maybe you have your heart set on dating that hot chick with dreadlocks. Maybe you’re just tired of fighting over Thanksgiving dinner with your liberal family. For whatever reason you have, you’ve decided that 2015 is the year you join the left.

Only one problem! You have no idea how to do it. Conservative thinking is so ingrained in your head that you’re not even sure where to start! Have no worries. You can be a liberal – and a good one – if you just follow these simple tips. Start slow, stick with it, and by the end of the year, you’ll have a bleeding heart that you can wear proudly on your sleeve.

Check Your Privilege
This has become one of the most important aspects of American liberalism. And if you happen to be a white male, you have a whole heaping helping of privilege to check. Because of your whiteness and your maleness, you simply float through life on a cloud of entitlement, wealth, and opportunity. Because of this, you must surrender your right to an opinion. You may want to get familiar with the term, “Well, I’m white, so what I think really doesn’t matter.” It’s easy!

Trust in Government
The federal government presents several pitfalls for the fledgling liberal. On one hand, you must condemn the military. On the other, you must support welfare, entitlements, public school, Common Core, and Democrat initiatives. You must remember that America was founded on unspeakable violence and oppression, and yet you must believe that government is the answer to what ails us today. But capitalism is bad. But freedom is good. But NSA spying is bad. But giving the government control over the Internet is good. You know what, you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own. Sorry.

Feelings are Better than Solutions
There’s a popular school of psychological thought that indicates an important difference between the genders. When men talk about a problem, they want their conversational partner to help them figure it out. When women talk about a problem, they want their conversational partner to listen and sympathize. Liberalism is the woman of politics. You don’t need to come up with solutions. In fact, you are probably better off not even trying. Listen, nod, twist your mouth into a sympathetic frown, and maybe shed a tear. That’s enough.

Minorities Get Unlimited Credibility
Before the journalists at the Washington Post turned out to be right about the Rolling Stone UVA article, feminist bloggers were excoriating them for daring to question the legitimacy of the story. Even today, many liberal writers claim it is racist to simply recall the facts of the Michael Brown case. If you’re going to be a good liberal, you’ll have to remember that minorities – women, blacks, Hispanics, homosexuals, Muslims, etc. – have access to a higher truth. That truth doesn’t always have a lot to do with “facts,” so get that old notion out of your head.

Do a Lot of Apologizing
As an American, you have a lot to be sorry for. You killed Indians, you enslaved blacks, you kept women from voting, you stuck your nose into Islamic countries where it didn’t belong, you supported the evil Zionists, and you ran your shower for too long. If you’re going to fit in with the liberal crowd, you need to be angry and apologetic in equal measure.

These tips won’t turn you into a liberal overnight, but they will give you the foundation you need to start. But don’t worry. If you get a couple of months into your transformation and decide it’s too much work, we’ll be happy to have you back.

But please remember to take a shower first.

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