Here’s How to Become a Liberal in 2015

Maybe you’ve decided you want to fit in better with the kids at school. Maybe you have your heart set on dating that hot chick with dreadlocks. Maybe you’re just tired of fighting over Thanksgiving dinner with your liberal family. For whatever reason you have, you’ve decided that 2015 is the year you join the left.

Only one problem! You have no idea how to do it. Conservative thinking is so ingrained in your head that you’re not even sure where to start! Have no worries. You can be a liberal – and a good one – if you just follow these simple tips. Start slow, stick with it, and by the end of the year, you’ll have a bleeding heart that you can wear proudly on your sleeve.

Check Your Privilege
This has become one of the most important aspects of American liberalism. And if you happen to be a white male, you have a whole heaping helping of privilege to check. Because of your whiteness and your maleness, you simply float through life on a cloud of entitlement, wealth, and opportunity. Because of this, you must surrender your right to an opinion. You may want to get familiar with the term, “Well, I’m white, so what I think really doesn’t matter.” It’s easy!

Trust in Government
The federal government presents several pitfalls for the fledgling liberal. On one hand, you must condemn the military. On the other, you must support welfare, entitlements, public school, Common Core, and Democrat initiatives. You must remember that America was founded on unspeakable violence and oppression, and yet you must believe that government is the answer to what ails us today. But capitalism is bad. But freedom is good. But NSA spying is bad. But giving the government control over the Internet is good. You know what, you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own. Sorry.

Feelings are Better than Solutions
There’s a popular school of psychological thought that indicates an important difference between the genders. When men talk about a problem, they want their conversational partner to help them figure it out. When women talk about a problem, they want their conversational partner to listen and sympathize. Liberalism is the woman of politics. You don’t need to come up with solutions. In fact, you are probably better off not even trying. Listen, nod, twist your mouth into a sympathetic frown, and maybe shed a tear. That’s enough.

Minorities Get Unlimited Credibility
Before the journalists at the Washington Post turned out to be right about the Rolling Stone UVA article, feminist bloggers were excoriating them for daring to question the legitimacy of the story. Even today, many liberal writers claim it is racist to simply recall the facts of the Michael Brown case. If you’re going to be a good liberal, you’ll have to remember that minorities – women, blacks, Hispanics, homosexuals, Muslims, etc. – have access to a higher truth. That truth doesn’t always have a lot to do with “facts,” so get that old notion out of your head.

Do a Lot of Apologizing
As an American, you have a lot to be sorry for. You killed Indians, you enslaved blacks, you kept women from voting, you stuck your nose into Islamic countries where it didn’t belong, you supported the evil Zionists, and you ran your shower for too long. If you’re going to fit in with the liberal crowd, you need to be angry and apologetic in equal measure.

These tips won’t turn you into a liberal overnight, but they will give you the foundation you need to start. But don’t worry. If you get a couple of months into your transformation and decide it’s too much work, we’ll be happy to have you back.

But please remember to take a shower first.

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  1. Easy button – have a lobotomy.

  2. Just feel generally guilty and have the correct whine, you’ll make the team!

    • i’m not going to after you but that bit of logic makes NO sense

      • It’s about the democrats never ending search for people they can give victim status. Blacks, the alleged war on women, the war on immigration etc. It’s not they they actually care, they’re just voting blocks. Example, they’ve done nothing for black people, democrats talk the talk.

  3. Liberals need to be diapered and shut away until they show a spine. Otherwise, they should be seen but not heard.

    • some people argue that about children but Liberalism needs to be given it’s fair chance in the marketplace of ideas… and you want proof that it actually works … look at Europe.. i’m going to add that yes it was World War II that helped get us out of the depression but most of that credit belongs to FDR and the New Deal .. the war helped a little bit but we could still have done it without being dragged into the war.. last i checked it was the Japanese that attacked our Pacific Fleet at a little place called Pearl Harbor.. had that not happened.. we could have gotten out of the depression anyway.. and before you ask yes Roosevelt’s Cash & Carry plan worked wonders… even if we had the sort of wrong idea… the Swiss had the high ground on morality … don’t get involved involved in the alliances trade equally with all parties and defend the homeland only if attacked… if i remember right it was Admiral Yamamoto himself who said something like “it would be impossible to invade the United States for there would be a rifle behind every blade of grass” … if you ask had that would have been a better idea…. but then again since not every citizen had a firearm and some still don’t maybe it was better we that had combat troops in Europe and the Pacific??? if you ask me that’s a chicken or egg issue … the important part is that we got out of the Great Depression.. mostly due to Roosevelt’s New Deal.. had we had a Republican in office… things would have been.. different.. and likely worse.. and yes i’ll give you Truman brought us into the Atomic Age … out of an artificial necessity also called had we not sent ground combat troops into Okinawa .. we could have had far fewer American casualties .. as in more Americans died in the campaigns against the Japanese than had to .. had we used economic sanctions on the Japanese… stopped exporting stuff to the Japanese…. things would have been different i’ll give you….but did Truman have to use the atomic bombs???? the short answer is no he only did that because of the lessons he didn’t learn from the early war against the Japanese and whether it was him or FDR ordered the invasion of Okinawa.. it was only that invasion that forced us to use the atomic bomb

      • I like your statement, but I disagree about what you said concerning President Truman and his reasons for using the Atomic bomb. Mr. Albert Einstein communicated with President Truman that we should (or could) use the atomic bomb on Japan as not only a means to stop the war, but as a means of gathering the results of using said weapon on a large group of people, and also gathering information on short term exposure to a large amount of radiation over a long time period. Nobody in the scientific community had a good idea what the full genetic changes would be on humans. The idea behind the use of the A bomb was an opportunity that just couldn’t be passed up.

    • Not even seen! I’ve seen way too much Clinton, and far too much of the present Turd-in-Chief!

  4. Stock up on Kool-Aid & Tinfoil ………………………….

    • Being a complete ignorant ass hole also fills the requirements for a bo resume ..!

    • not sure where the Kool-Aid thing came from .. but everyone wears a tinfoil hat or two.. like the whole who killed Kennedy thing.. some weirdos say Oswald acted alone .. but then why would Jack Ruby the nightclub dude kill him for no reason?? if you ask me it was likely Johnson wanted Kennedy out for supporting the Civil Rights movement and he had the backing of either organized crime or the CIA or both…. or could it be that Oswald was a defector to the Soviet Union who had rogue CIA support or there’s the idea that “the Mob” wanted Kennedy dead because his brother running for Attorney General was going to try to take them down or it could be Castro … mostly because he forced the Soviets into removing the [nuclear?] missiles in Cuba… which if Oswald was a defector to the Soviet Union.. and then there’s the Zapruder fiim and the whole did Oswald do it alone thing as in if he did whO was the other person in the Texas Schoolbook Repository ..etc…. or there’s the whole is Osama Bin Laden still alive thing or ..

  5. why the f would i want to become an intolerant arrogant little jerk??

  6. It is much easier than that to become a liberal; all one has to do is stick their head up their but just as far as it will go and do a lot of wining over everything and nothing, to become a dynamic success as a true to form liberal. Shalom!

  7. Easier way: Smoke two or three blunts a day while watching MSNBC or listening to NPR. Subscribe to Daily KOS and join in on all the crusades they run. Remember, it’s for the Children.

  8. Great need to fire the rabid liberal professors corrupting young impressionable students!

    • actually you and people like that tin hat documentary dude did Schindler’s List … Dinesh D’Souza or someone… think that way fine . i’ll respect that as your opinion but honestly i don’t know how voters could vote for a vision for the country where the only people who benefit are the non-immigrants and the obscenely rich… wouldn’t it be better for everyone to have a fair shot at the marketplace.. like where you want something.. it’s possible for you to get it even if you’re an immigrant or not wealthy or .. and where people treat you as they treat everyone instead of having a system that is anti-immigrant and only treats you as equal if you’re obscenely rich and actively denies you opportunity if you’re an immigrant, poor or anything else like the if you’re poor, an immigrant, not white, etc.. you deserve to be denied the opportunity that rich white citizens have???? that’s the core value of liberalism you deserve the same opportunity regardless of who you are, what you look like, the money you have,.. if you ask me .. that’s why conservatives of whatever persuasion are failures at wining elections .. it’s because of the since i’m rich, white, and not an immigrant no one else deserves the same opportunity i had attitude… it’s like the Civil Rights movement way back in the 6-0’s where most white people thought black people didn’t deserve the same equality/opportunity they had … of course because of people like a Dr, Martin Luther King Jr. race relations actually improved … not to quote the Civil Rights Act 1964 .. that made it illegal for employers to discriminate against people on the basis of *race*, religion, ethnic background, *national origin,* gender or sexual orientation.. also if i remember it’s been amended since ’64 and since you seem to be insisting i know someone who went to law school… i could ask about that…

  9. All you have to do to be a good liberal is to be miserable,jealous of anyone who has more than a couple of dollars[then trying to get that from them] and blaming everyone but yourselves for everything. If you drive a new electric car,you have to hate anyone who doesn’t,etc.

  10. Blame all of your mistakes on someone else. By not taking responsibility for your own actions you are automatically a whiny, sniveling, coward of a liberal.

  11. I use to be a liberal, then I grew up.

    • if that’s way you see it that’s up to you .. but how anyone could vote for a vision for the country that benefits the obscenely wealthy non-immigrant at the expense of everyone else is beyond me….

  12. Actually, the solution may be more drastic. You may have to go on Prozac indefinitely, for that “happy to the point of not caring if you die” attitude.

    If you are male, you will need to consider having yourself neutered or get a male to female sex change, so that you are not in the male Patriarchy

    You will nedd to get on Antidepressants and ritalin, so that you can get that explosive rage over nothing mindset required of todays active liberal.

    Of course you will have to convert to Wahabbi radical islam, and do the prayer five times a day thing, to get the proper liberal zombie mindset.

    A couple of weeks of gay sex in a San Fran bath house will get you the proper sensitivity.

    Of course, you could just get your carbon credits proper, and stop breathing, but you could also just give up, and be all the patriot conservative you can be, and not go nuts.

  13. The best way to be a liberal, Think.

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