The Easy Three-Step Process of Liberalism

Behind the “government can do anything” tenet that allows the Democratic Party to go out and collect funds, there is a simpler constitution to the belief system that is liberalism. One of the reasons it has infected our modern-day culture to such an extent is that it is the lazy, cowardly approach to life. You don’t actually have to know anything to be a liberal. You don’t have to believe in anything that you can defend with facts. You don’t have to risk saying something that might draw frowns from your friends in the faculty lounge. You can simply relax, give in, and rest easy in the knowledge that you’ll be okay as long as you let your emotions be your guide.

Blame America. Blame the white man. Blame Christianity. Blame Republicans. Find a problem, pick a demon, smile smugly. The three-step process for becoming an unassailable liberal. And you can do it with almost anything. Come on, try it! It’ll be fun.

Find a problem: The attack on Charlie Hebdo.
Pick a demon: Well, let’s see. Islam?

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, you’ve already failed. You’ve been uninvited to next week’s funeral for Perdue chickens. You see, there is a method to the madness. The demon you choose must be from the Oppressor Quadrant. White, Christian, Republican, American. If none of the four apply, you’re treading into dangerous territory. Let’s try again.

Find a problem: The attack on Charlie Hebdo.
Pick a demon: Uh…white people?

Good enough! It’s not perfect; a liberal more entrenched in their politics might choose guns, the French, America’s support of Israel, hate speech, or any number of other non sequitur issues, but “white people” will do fine. France is roughly 85 percent white, so it’s inevitable that racism is rampant against brown Muslims. Enjoy your smug smile, and let’s try again.

Find a problem: Illegal immigration.

BUZZZZZZZZZ. C’mon, this is why liberals dominate higher education. You have to listen! Who is harmed by illegal immigration? America! Therefore, it’s not a real problem. Anything that harms America is a good thing. America is an evil institution, remember? Only open borders can return it to the splendor it once enjoyed when occupied by peaceful Native Americans.

Find a problem: Hmmm…er…income inequality?

Excellent! You’re getting it now. Pick a demon!

Well…Republicans?

Correct! We would have also accepted “America,” “white people,” and “capitalism.” Okay, what else?

Hmmm, I guess we should

I’m going to stop you right there. The next step is to smile smugly. Relax. You’ve done everything you need to do. I can tell you were about to proffer a solution to the problem, but that’s completely unnecessary. As a liberal, you should generally confine yourself to naming problems and picking demons. Once you get into the tricky business of solving those problems, you’ll run up against liberal Kryptonite: REALITY. With a few years of liberal indoctrination (preferably achieved at one of America’s finest universities, but MSNBC will suffice in a pinch) you’ll be able to come up with some pie-in-the-sky “solutions.” If you have a majestic command of language, you’ll be able to use buzzwords and long-debunked statistics to make it sound as though you know what you’re talking about. For now, just stick with the basics. Pick and blame. You can’t go wrong.

It’s so much easier than actually having to think, isn’t it?

 

 


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