Keeping the Festivus spirit alive for 2019 is Sen. Rand Paul, whose annual “airing of grievances” has long been one of our favorite aspects of the Christmas season. Paul can hammer Washington for dumb decisions and financial waste like no other Republican on The Hill, and the fact that he can do it with a sense of humor makes his yearly list all the more anticipated. This year, naturally, the top subject on his mind was the impeachment of President Donald Trump.
“I feel like we have to start with impeachment, don’t you?” the senator wrote. “I’ve got a lot of problems with all of you people and impeachment. Take Nancy Pelosi (please). I don’t know if I can stop laughing long enough to air my grievances with Nancy. Her new plan is great – she is going to punish the president by NOT sending his impeachment to Senate? Next, maybe she’ll threaten to NOT send us anymore legislation?”
Paul continued: “It’s going to be really hard to live with myself if I don’t get to sit in a chair all day long for weeks at a time listening to people talk about Rudy Giuliani. Thankfully, I didn’t have any calls with Rudy, or Adam Schiff would have been spying on me. Of course, the real trouble would have come at Christmas dinner when my Dad asked me what the hell I was doing talking to Rudy Giuliani.”
Proving that he’s an equal-opportunity offender, Paul took a jab at the former New York mayor.
“You do have to wonder how he was the best the President could think of for a lawyer – ‘hey, get me the guy who spills his guts on CNN and butt dials everyone in Washington. He can keep a secret!'”
Can’t say this very thought hasn’t crossed our minds.
Paul then turned his sardonic attention to the 2020 Democratic race.
“Joe Biden is doing well,” he wrote. “I feel like if the Democrats nominate him we are all going to discuss whether or not we should hand over the nuclear codes to someone who hasn’t been able to find his keys for a while now. At least Joe is younger and more with it than Bernie Sanders. Bernie looks like the guy who chose the wrong cup in Indiana Jones.”
After railing against a number of ridiculous spending projects that are currently wasting taxpayer money, Paul made a pretty funny commentary on the president himself.
“I get teary eyed on Festivus when I think that it was created by Frank Costanza, and that Trump is President. It just shows you that a loud mouth from Queens who airs his grievances constantly can do or be ANYTHING in this world! You can do it too kids,” he joked.
Amen, and Happy Festivus!