Democrats Release Thanksgiving Tips for Liberals

Thanksgiving can be a stressful time for young liberals. Many college kids are returning home for the first time since being implanted with exciting new ideas about what it means to be an American. And they’re worried. Because only now do they realize that they didn’t grow up in a loving, caring home after all. Turns out, they were the product of a selfish, racist, privileged upbringing and now they are going back to the belly of the beast. How will they defend their new values among a bunch of ignorant conservatives?

Don’t worry. The Democratic Party is here for you.

To help struggling young liberals, the DNC created “Your Republican Uncle” – a website that helps you debunk some of the conservative ideas that your relatives will be spouting around the Thanksgiving dinner table.

“Here are the most common myths spouted by your family members who spend too much time listening to Rush Limbaugh and the perfect response to each of them,” reads the site.

What better way to show your love and gratitude!

Let’s see what kind of insulting rhetoric millions of parents will be hearing over the holidays.

What if someone at the dinner table says, “We should repeal Obamacare!”

Answer: “If the ACA were repealed, millions of Americans would lose access to quality, affordable health care. And none of the Republican candidates for president have a plan to solve that problem.”

Ah. But what about the Health Care Choice Act – an Obamacare alternative not only proposed by Senator Ted Cruz, but actually sponsored as legislation in March? This bill would take out the worst of Obama’s insurance mandates and erase restrictions nationally, forcing insurance companies to compete in the tradition of the free market. Sounds like a “plan”. So it seems that these responses are meant only to refute conservatives who don’t know what they’re talking about. Granted, that covers most people – of either political stripe – but it’s still rather disingenuous. And potentially quite embarrassing for a tender young Democrat.

Anyway, here are a selection of other phrases the DNC thinks you should have at hand before going into battle with your conservative relatives:

Climate change is real and its manmade. The Republican presidential field is living in denial.

That’ll shut ’em up.

Marco Rubio may be young, but he’s not a new kind of Republican. He opposes raising the minimum wage, he wants to cut taxes for the wealthy, and on foreign policy, he might as well be Dick Cheney.

This is the best argument for President Rubio we’ve heard all year.

Screening refugees based on their religion goes against everything our country stands for.

Why is it that, even in plain text, liberals sound like they’re whining? Also, it’s interesting how “everything our country stands for” seems to change according to whichever dumb Democrat policy is up for debate at the time. Democrats didn’t seem so concerned about religious protections when Kim Davis was in jail.

All [Voter ID laws] do is make it harder for people of color, women, younger voters, and seniors to vote. That’s un-American.

But women and people of color couldn’t vote at all when America started. So how is it un-American?

All right, all right, maybe that’s not the best answer. But how much of this nonsense can one man take? Why is it specifically more difficult for all of those minorities to get an ID? And since when were women and younger voters thrown into this mix?

Young liberals, do yourselves a favor. Go home, put your newfound political beliefs to the side for a few days, and just listen. Vote for Bernie next year if you must, but don’t assume that you know it all because you took Gender Studies 101. America wasn’t created in a college classroom. Life is going to teach you some things that you will never understand from reading a book. Your hopeless conservative relatives might not be as dumb as you think.


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